That Great Road We Call Life

(or, "How's that, again?")

Those of you who visit this page might note that it's not been updated for quite a while; this is, by and large, due to the various happenings that some of us refer to as Life. Others of us refer to it by a somewhat different four-letter word.

You know, as in, "Life Happens". Substitute appropriately.

The last six weeks have been a whirlwind of business without much motion, but it's been good for the head. I have been doing temporary work for As You Like It Productions, the producers of the Great Dickens Christmas Fair . I walked in to do Data Entry for them, and eventually got recruited into working at a game booth at the Fair. For their kind treatment and continued employment (until the work is gone), I am most grateful. They are WONDERFUL folks to work for. If you are in the San Francisco Bay Area or are planning to visit, please check out the Fair. It is a wonderful slice of Victorian (Dickensian) London, including the running about of Ebenezer Scrooge, Fanny Dorritt, the Crummles, David Copperfield and the ghosts of Christmases Past, Present and Future. There are many crafts and wares there appropriate to the period.

I have also been working for another good human (they're few and far between, believe me) by the name of Duncan Sandiland, who happens to also be my EA (read: "Financial Guru"). He has been kind enough to cast the occasional tidbit my way while I've been looking for work.

And last, but certainly not least, I have been kept about by several wonderful people at Mesa Electronics in Richmond, CA. The work is sporadic, but they've been kind enough to keep me in mind for when they needed me.

I am extremely grateful to all who have helped me and my family through this dry spell. It's been a trying six months, to be certain.

But this is Life.

A close friend of mine (and co-kid-raiser), Sandi, is going through some quite agonizing problems lately with her back and neck which have left her left arm largely numb, and this is torpedoing life about our domicile in quite a few ways, but she's holding up and persevering in spite of it all.

But this is Life.

To top it all off, our oldest feline of 17 years -- longer than I've known aforementioned friend -- had to be put down today. It was one of the more difficult things we've had to do.

But this is Life.

And so it goes. Life had been reasonably good for a while, and it's taken some nasty unexpected turns lately. I have every reason to believe that it will get better. Eventually.

For now, my internal temporal cycle is on hold while I try to collect my head.

And now, if you'll excuse me, dinner is burning.


Misplaced Standards and Milestones of False Expectations

"You've got it good. Really. It could be worse, you know..."

How many times have you heard a conversation head that way? You sit and bemoan your fate or your current situation, and someone invariably points out that it could be worse, that someone always has it worse than you.

Sometimes you grow so accustomed to it happening that you do it to yourself after a while.

And then, if you're REALLY on top of things, you believe it. Life isn't so bad. It could, indeed, be worse. Just think of the bum on the street corner. He's got it bad -- no home, raising a family, begging for pennies from passersby.

And, indeed, that paints a pretty bleak picture by comparison to what you have.

So you go on with your life, content that it could always be worse, never giving it a second thought. And life goes pretty well.

One day you wake up and it hits you like a ton of bricks. You feel like a dope, like someone who's been handed a large cosmic joke and didn't know it, because you've been wrong this whole time. And it takes you another year or more to figure out WHY you were wrong.

Let me save you this year. You'll thank me for it later. You were wrong because you were measuring yourself by the wrong standard.

We are taught through life to measure ourselves against other people instead of measuring up to the tasks at hand. We are taught to compete, to be better than anyone else at what we do to the point of exclusion instead of to the point of co-operation. This very attribute is probably the sole contributor to the universal dissatisfaction which is so prevalent in our culture today. "Second place is the first loser." "Nice guys finish last." "Runner-up is not good enough." These are all ideals which are taught from day one -- or at least from first grade on up. Be better than your classmate. If you can't beat him mentally, best him physically, or strategically (which is more drawn out than simple mental prowess). And finally, if you can't do it in any of those ways, show him that your daddy has more money than his does.

Now, what could we accomplish if, instead of measuring up to other people, trying to one-up them, trying to beat them down, we just attacked the task at hand with as much vigor as we attack the other guy?

We could accomplish feats in a fraction of the time we do now. We could have had a 20GHz microprocessor on every single desktop. We could have chewing gum that doesn't lose its flavour on the bedpost overnight. We could have sent a man to the Moon in 1961 instead of waiting for until 1969. We could have a cure for cancer, or AIDS.

By now we could have journeyed to the stars.

More to the point, if we must measure up to something, to a standard, let it be to the standards we measured to in our own past, on a very personal level.

Every time I hear that it could be worse, I want to throttle the messenger. Of course it could be worse, but that's not why I am so upset. I'm upset because I am being asked to lower the bar and compare to someone else. I don't want my life better by comparison to what another may have. I want my life to be better by comparison to where it is now, or I want it to be better than it was when I was doing so well.

I don't feel sorry for someone who isn't doing as well as me, just as I do not feel sorry for myself when I do not measure up to someone else's standard, because I am not judging myself by that standard. If they choose to look down their nose at me, that's their business. I'm not going to lose sleep over it, because it doesn't make me any less of a person, nor does it diminish my overall worth in the Grand Cosmic Scheme.

I'm doing okay. I can be better. I can always be better, so I work toward that.

Another common mistake which we are taught to accept as we mature and grow is "When I have [X] I will be fine", which is, of course, a paraphrase of the biggest lie in the world:

"When I have what I truly want, I will be happy."

What is this all about, anyway? Who are you kidding? When you're happy standing still, what are you working toward? What's left to conquer?

The truth is that the only happy person is a dead one. When we die, it's over. There's nothing left to accomplish in this life when we die.

Conversely, one dies when there is nothing left to accomplish. The body might continue on, and one may continue on to interact with others, but if there is nothing left to accomplish, where is the spark in life?

When I have [X], I will be fine. When I have a (better) car, I will be fine. When I have a (better-paying) job, I will be fine. When I meet another person to have and hold dear in my life, I will be fine.

This is a madness which we are all conditioned to accept, based on a completely materialistic drive. There's always something else out there to achieve, after which we will be "fine".

The trick to this is you've got to be fine NOW. Don't let it depend on some other event in your life. I don't care if you've got something terminal or you're merely suffering from a rectal craneotomy. Be fine. Get yourself together. Pull it in. Work with what you have. Be fine now.

The milestones are not goals. They are not ends in and of themselves. They are merely markers in your journey along the path of life, and you don't know what the next marker is going to be. You can not afford to put off being fine.

It is perfectly acceptable to say "I will be better when I can achieve [X]", because you are not defining an absolute state of being. And there may be a sequence of milestones which must be met in a particular order. But to hold off being fine, to stop living your life because those milestones have not yet been met is unacceptable.

We look at people who have achieved huge goals and we treat them as super-heroes when they are alive, and we treat them as gods when they finally slip past our world into a different one. We immortalise them in so many ways, and we glorify them far beyond their accomplishments.

What we fail to recognise is that they didn't reach those goals in one single bound. The truly successful ones didn't win the lottery. They did not suddenly nor unprecedentedly nor, in all likelihood, singlehandedly, make any great discoveries. It all happened in small steps. Had they not taken the small steps to get where they were going, they would not have gotten there at all, much less in the single bound over a tall building.

In fact, the ones who did start out with small fortunes and bought their way through their lives, for the most part, missed out on a lot of the lessons which life was meant to teach.

There are likely exceptions, as there always are, but they are few and far between.

The failures, the mistakes, are just as important as the milestones. One of the first ones an ambitious soul is likely to make is that the goals are huge, and that they are surmountable in a single bounce off the asphalt which precedes them. Said soul is wrong, twice; firstly, because there is no way one can leisurely hop over something so monumental as the goals they set for themselves; secondly, because it is not so much the goals which are huge as it is the results of all the smaller milestones which they have passed.

By and large, the only way to really appreciate all this is to experience it first hand. Even after reading this, you will probably not realise that you will need to experience it first hand. You'll think that the ol' Wolf has just handed you the cheat sheet.

A couple of things to remember:

  1. Even in an open-book test, you need to know where to look to find the information asked on the test.
  2. Even with the answers to every odd problem given in the back of the book, the teacher still expects you to show your work.

I'm happy now. Before you try to correct that statement, remember that my warning was about being happy standing still. I'm moving, always. I will be passing the milestones on my journey through life, noting them but not carrying them.

I'm fine. I will be better once I can find myself a job and support myself, preferably without shifting my residence much at the current moment. I could probably go on for about five different levels in five different directions as to what would make my life better.

But that's all frosting on the cake, and right now, I'm a little less interested in the frosting.

"Nobody ever learned anything by succeeding at it the first time out." -- Dawn Ellis


Wishes Made On The Universe

(or, "Be careful for what you wish...")

I seem to be blessed. Or cursed. I can't quite seem to figure out which.

You see, I am afflicted with the ability granted to the entirety of the truly intelligent and powerful, the ones who have a better idea on how to go about wielding their energy than most of the general populace. In short, the kind of people that I would like to spend my life around.

The ability is to make a wish on the Universe and have it come true.

In my life, after a time, I have been given what I asked for, only to be shown that it is not what I want, really. I have also been given what I needed, but after the point of need, I was, again, on my own.

Lately, I have been left to question the Universe on my last one. Let me check my notes...

Okay, let's see...musical, check...compassionate, check...intense, check!...knows how to deal with kids, check...intelligent, intricate, checkcheck...yep....mm hmmm...got that....and that...and that...and that. Okay, what did I miss?


...hmmm, I forgot to put in something regarding distance, that must be it...understands why sci-fi, magic and fantasy are important to me...


...exploration of skel...


Now, you're listening. Look at yourself. You have rebuilt yourself, sort of. But you have rebuilt yourself ON TOP OF THIS OTHER PERSON, and now this other person is going to proceed to beat you about the head with a clue-by-four. Soundly.

But I...



You are not ready to handle this wish. You have a lot of rebuilding to do, and until you have at least created a stable foundation, you are going to be skirting the wish and getting it almost, but not quite. And you will keep doing this until you are strong on your own, when being alone no longer carries the full weight of loneliness.

It's the first time I will have ever considered returning a wish to the Cosmic pool for someone else to have...

Oh, that's a cute one. No. You're stuck with the consequences of this wish. When you are ready for it to happen, it will happen. Not before then.

But I'm ready now.



You're so ready, you'll fling yourself head-over-heels into a situation which is no longer receptive to your presence. The owner of the situation has their own problems and is not likely to welcome you as readily, because when one has one's own problems, one can not shoulder another's. Even when one does NOT have one's own problems, another's problems can become wearisome, especially if they're the same old problems over and over. Oh, and one ALWAYS has one's own problems. The best one can do with another is to commiserate, empathise, sympathise, and offer some emotional support. You must be the one to right yourself, to build yourself strong, to fly your standard high and proud when you are ready.

But how will I know when I am ready?

Your Wish will be granted and fulfilled.

But when's that going to happen?

When you are ready.

But that's circular logic. The only way to really make this happen is to go on about my life, and there's no telling if this will ever come true in my lifetime!


So what do I do about it?


Hello? What do I do about this?

Live your life. Enjoy it. You will meet many people who will teach you many lessons. You may even meet the one you're looking for, if you're ready. But you can't stand still. You don't have time to stand still. Do something, even if it feels like not much progress is being made. Do something. Life is a journey. Count the milestones, but do not linger at them overlong. The next milestone is not a goal, it is purely coincidence that it is on your path. If you must have goals, keep them simple; it is the grandiose ones which keep one from accomplishing the truly great feats, for the bigger you make the goal, the harder it will be to surmount it, and you will have tricked yourself into believing that you can jump over it in a single bound. No, count the small steps. Take the small steps, for without them, you cannot go anywhere.

Is it wrong to have goals?

No. Just don't rest on them when you get there. Life is a journey.

This is not going to be easy, is it?

Let me check my notes...



So, anyway I seem to have this curse. It's the one that goes, "be careful what for what you wish, for you will surely get it." It seems to be less than reliable, in that not every wish I make happens that way. Prosperous employment, for example, has not of late come to fruition.

And attempts to modify a wish seem only to result in more chaos.

But let's just say that I won't ever make a wish for money over love.


Goddess Bless America

(or, "Check your religion at the door?")

I'll explain this in a bit.

Who would have thought that my initial page would have been initiated by the destruction of the New York World Trade Towers? Certainly not I. I imagined something much less literally Earth-shattering and benign. But that's not what I got.

For those of you who know me, you are aware of the many trials and tribulations I have endured over the last three years -- three years which, by most reckonings, should have been kick-ass, over the top, rock-and-blasted-roll years.

By contrast, 1984 was a really, really good year.

Some day, I may decide to put my life story up here. But not today.

Today, I'm going to address something that's been bandied about the world in lurid detail for the last week. It's a purely personal take on it, as are most. Everyone's got an opinion, nobody wants to look at the other guy's.

Now, then: I've had some problems. Between being directly missiled by the (lack of the) technical market, having been mined by the aftermath of interdependent co-atrophy, being told in no uncertain terms by everyone close to me that I am their problem, and having the bright light of the Deific presence in the Universe shone in my eyes (that deep booming voice saying "LICENCE AND REGISTRATION, PLEASE!" didn't help much, especially with no vehicle accompanying it), life has really really messed with my mellow in a serious way.

As a result, I watched the World Trade Center get run through by a hundred-ton missile with wings, flaps and a tail. Twice. And felt...nothing.

That's right. You read it here first. I felt nothing. I sat there, watched the flames shoot out of the buildings, watched the Towers implode upon themselves, and marveled at the physics of the entire process, thinking it bloody amazing that the towers didn't topple and take out many other buildings around them. It didn't even occur to me that there were people inside the buildings! It was just a bit too surreal for me to absorb.

Once I figured out that there were people in the building, I was incensed and offended, but not angry yet. It still didn't sink in for a while. I actually thought this might have been another domestic attack, because the World Trade Organization -- whom I thought to be related to the World Trade Center -- was not well-liked since it decided to grant open trade status to China, a prime offender against Human Rights, and also the Pentagon, long a favoured target of domestic military dissidents, at least in principle. I'm sure that some of the radical peace activists -- a contradiction in terms -- would have been happy to have done this kind of damage, modulo the cost of life. They probably would have done it when the buildings were not occupied. I found the symbolism interesting.

But when I heard that one plane was possibly headed for the White House, that kind of threw that thought out the window.

I went back to my job search, and a grain-of-rice bulb flickered for an instant. There was no point for doing this today, and probably not much point tomorrow, though I tried anyway. Local work is probably not going to be affected much.

Wednesday and Thursday were completely uneventful, outside of the fact that I started getting some nibbles on my resume.

Friday came. A very dear newfound friend++ had been fading into reclusion compared to some very intense discussions we'd been having only weeks before, and I was bewildered by this. Combine this with the fact that I'm still occupationally challenged, unsure by this time of who I am, why I am here and other totally seemingly superficial problems, and then drop the World Trade Center on top of all of that.

The light went on full blast. I lost my mellow. BIG time.

I found my stuff right quick, but it took me a couple of days to find the sock I was keeping it in.

Once I collected myself and my stuff and got it all back into the sock, something else came to my attention, and it's illustrated in my dear friend's weekly page -- which you can find here -- brought a very important thing to light. We may not agree with the policies of the government or the laws made by our congresscritters, but, by and large, this is still the best place to be on the planet. Considering how small the planet is, that's still saying something.

Over those couple of days, I kept hearing "God Bless America/The USA/The United States" all over the place, and I kept seeing mixed-faith vigils occurring -- and some racially-motivated killings by the Good Ol' Boys who are ALWAYS looking for justification for them, but that's another story -- and realised that the Pagan groups were conspicuously absent. Had I had my wits about me, I probably would have conjured something up and gone to one of these interfaith gigs, walked up, pentacle and all, and spoken my peace (piece? I can never keep it straight.). It probably would have gone something like this:

Good evening to all you good and kind and just people out there. Hi. I'm here to represent as best I can the conspicuously absent Pagan/Wiccan community. Before you all freak out and wonder what someone like me is doing up here, let me reassure you that I'm here for the same reasons you are -- to mourn and grieve not only those who died in this tragedy, but more importantly those who survived them.

The ones who died are gone. They have gone on to the next world, or will come back to this one, or whatever they chose to believe. But nothing can bring them back to this place and time. May they be at peace.

But the ones who live on, they are the ones who will have to continue in this life without their friends, without their family, without their loved ones. There are probably several of you here. I think the grieving for the loss of the living is the more apt term for what we're doing.

On going forward: Like you, I would like to see some resolution, some closure to all this. I stress to our leaders that careful consideration be given to any acts of retaliation before they are carried out. We cannot will-ye-nil-ye take out a country and hope we get the responsible parties. We will need to do this the hard way. There is no easy solution to this, because our war is not with another country over a couple of collapsed buildings.

The war is with other people, over hatred and intolerance. The really scary thing is that every day, we seem to want to fight intolerance and hatred with violence. This is completely counterproductive. If we aren't using intolerance, hatred and violence as weapons, we are likely using indifference and ignorance as weapons. One might as well go up against a swordsman with a sharpened loaf of Wonder bread.

Stand up against the hatred, against the ignorance, against the intolerance.

It has been said once:

"Quick to judge, quick to anger, slow to understand,
Ignorance and prejudice and fear walk hand in hand."

We cannot ever afford such frivolities as these, much less in times like this. It's the darkness. It's the void. And it's going to consume everyone who feeds it until it is all that is left of our world UNLESS we stand up and fight it. Not with guns or knives, or bombs, or violence. Educate people. Show them your tolerance. Show them your presence. Show them your love. Show them that this is only the first step, that they must show their own love and tolerance, and that they must persevere.

I would like to say Goddess Bless America. Because I can. We live in a nation based on the tenets of Tolerance, Faith, Love, Perseverence, Acceptance, REGARDLESS of what Faith we may choose to keep. Some of you out there are bristling at my statement. I can hear you from here. Smooth your hairs down, because I'm not here to insult you. Quite to the contrary, I am here in support. We must stand together, all of us. This great nation harbors many diverse interests, cultures, and faiths. It is the largest nation on the face of the planet to do so, in combination with all the other freedoms we happen to have and enjoy. In any other country, at least one of these cultures, interests or faiths would be repressed, and those who followed, persecuted. In this country, we seem to be the closest to upholding one of the primary Pagan/Wiccan tenets, which is, "An it harm none, do what thou will." In short, if it's not hurting anybody, there's no big deal about it. For the most part, short of the legal and corporate stupidity out there, and with a few exceptions, we seem to operate on this principle.

That said, may your respective Gods, Goddesses or other Divine Influences hold you in their hands and keep you safe from harm. I hold you all in high regard for the strength you have in your faith; I would hope that you will all look around at everyone and share that high regard with one another, because we're all playing on the same field here.

Bless America, and Blessed Be. Good night.

But you're reading it here because I just wrote it this evening.

May the Goddess watch over you, and may your respective Deities hold you from harm.

Bless America, and Blessed Be.

17 September 2001