Cruise to the Edge of Delirium

Allow me, firstly, to introduce myself.  I'm someone who likes to make music, but I'm sure you figured that out from my profile.

Oh, you didn't read that part.  Go ahead.  I'll wait...

Cool.  That should make everything clear a little later.  Onward.

I just got back from my first ever cruising experience, a pleasant*, enjoyable* experience* on a four-day cruise around the Bahamas.

...on a boat full of progressive rock musicians, some professional, some pro-am, and some who don't play professionally at all but can still play (this is the category into which I fall).  Mind you, I'm a better parrot than I am a creator right now.  This may change.  It may not.

During the emergency drill (mandatory for EVERYONE on the ship), an older, distinguished gentleman with a wave of white hair came to ask, "Is anyone sitting here?".  I said, "No, please, feel free."  I noticed his "ARTIST" tag and asked who he was with.  "I'm not with anyone."

"But you have an artist tag; who are you playing with?"

"Oh, blast, the card gave it away.  Hi.  I'm Roger Dean."

I did a poor job of concealing my excitement at meeting him.  His artistry, Yes' music, and the accessibility to science fiction and fantasy I had growing up had very richly fertilized my imagination in terms of everything non-musical.  They gave me a power that evidently has lain dormant since then.

Among these fine musicians were such as Yes, Marillion, Allan Holdsworth, Martin Barre, Mike Portnoy, Spock's Beard, Neal Morse, Lifesigns, and several others; while these are all fine draws for a cruise, I must state that they were the icing on the cake.  My reason for attending was to meet people and make some music myself.

I had the experience of meeting Yes in person -- all of them (except for Steve Howe, which, from what I inferred, is understandable).  Didn't get to talk to Alan or Geoff much; they rather seem to keep to themselves, but I did get a photo with them, and I did get signatures.  As I walked off, I told Alan, "Thank you for everything you have given me."  Which is quite a lot, considering Yessongs was the second Yes album I had heard.  He stuck out his hand to shake mine.  Alan, I hope you remember this; it means a lot to me.  I wanted to tell you that you'd met my mom about 30 years ago, and she had you sign a business card from a shop she co-owned, "Tempo di Marcia", and you'd addressed it to me in absentia.  I still have this card.

I ran into Billy Sherwood (their bassist) and Jon Davison (their singer) as well, at various parts of the cruise.  Jon more than Billy, but they were equally approachable.  Billy recognised me from Facebook (before I got bounced), and I actually took the time to introduce myself to Jon when he was sitting behind me in the audience for the after-hours jam.  Normally I wouldn't do this, but I had some reasons for doing so, most of which involved owning up to some rather uncomplimentary statements I had made, as well as an apology for them.  It seemed to me to be the right thing to do.  I think I owe one to Steve, too, but I couldn't find him to tell him in person.

When I saw them play in Saratoga in September, I was disappointed, but convinced it was not their fault.  The audience at the winery sucked the energy right out of them.  It was SO harsh.  Half the people didn't want to be there, and it was obvious.  The ones who were even mildly interested were saying things like, "play some older stuff!" after they played "Roundabout" and "Time and a Word".  How much older do you want, people?  I mean, come on!

When I saw them play their final show for this leg of the tour in the US, on Monday Night, I must say that you can say what you will about Jon Davison, or anyone else in the band, but they are Yes.  They are legion.  They will continue to move forward.  And they were spot fucking on.  The slowdowns were minimal, the energy was high, they vaulted a musical double somersault with a full twist and a half at the end and they stuck the landing.  I have NO doubts about them right now -- when they're playing to an audience that is welcoming to them and appreciates them, they are golden.

As I didn't make the auditions to be on stage for the After Hours Electric Prog Jam, I took comfort in the piano in the dining room at the aft of the ship**.

Apparently, so do some other fine musicians.  Once I found the piano, others were drawn to it as iron filings to a magnet.  There were singers, players, and aprecionados, some from other bands, some from other countries, some from other bands from other countries, and I think a few from other worlds. I am wondering if I must be one of them, because I sure felt at home.

They played (older) Genesis, for the most part, so I thought I'd fill the gaps nicely by playing some Yes songs.  Not just the keyboard parts, mind you -- the whole songs, from start to finish, with two hands on a piano.

Let me explain that last part.

When I was younger, I wanted to play this stuff in a band, but I couldn't find people talented enough, interested enough, or with enough time on their hands to call up and say, "Hey, you wanna jam some Yes today?"  That just didn't happen.  Additionally, my lack of equipment prevented me from getting out there as a "serious" keyboard player.  In order to keep up my sanity, I need to recreate it in some form.  I had two hands and a piano at my disposal; this became that form.

After four nights of all this, even after the EXTENDED AHEPJ (which ran from 11:00 PM to 4:00 AM instead of the usual 2:30 AM) (and still, people went there), I appear to have become part of the prog family.

Most people don't believe me when I tell them I can play things like "Turn of the Century", "Yours Is No Disgrace", or "Starship Trooper" on the piano, never mind the epic tunes such as "Close to the Edge", "Awaken", or "The Gates Of Delirium".  I do this.  I did this.  And because I have spent the last 35 years not really getting out and playing it for other people, I had a lot of doubt that it would make much of an impression, especially when the keyboard player for Spock's Beard jumped on one night.

Let me talk about Rio (aforementioned keyboard player).  This guy is fantastic.  He's sharp, he's precise, and he's really fucking creative. What I heard him play is definitely concert-worthy material, and he's an awesomely nice person to boot.  It was really nice to meet him (and a whole bunch of others!) on this cruise.

It was thus something of a surprise to run into him right before the Tribute to Chris Squire***.  I complimented him on his playing exactly as described above, and he says to me:

"No, you are awesome.  I've never seen anyone play like that."
I: But what you played, out of your own head, that was crazy good!
he: ...I can't remember stuff like you do, though.  Man...who the fuck are you!??

The only thing I could do at that last question was double over with laughter.  How do you respond to that??

Rio, if you're out there reading this, the Lord of the Uncharted Universe**** salutes you.  It was truly an honour to meet you, and I hope to run into you again sometime.

On the fourth night, before we disembarked the next morning, I ripped out The Gates Of Delirium, Perpetual Change, and Starship Trooper, then played (gasp!) an actual original tune (which would have fit the working definition of progressive rock, I am certain).

The reaction I received blew me away.  It was nothing I had ever felt before in my life.  The energy, the good will, was astounding to me, and totally unexpected at that level.  I mean, yes, I know I can play, and I know people will enjoy it, but this was something completely off the chart.

I touched people.  I dropped jaws.  I drew tears.  I got asked "...where did you come from?"

...and it's all amazing, and overwhelming, and beautiful to me.  I never expected this reaction.  I never expected to be told in so few words that I'm actually worthy, because I went through a lot of my life never believing that I was.

You know how when you go to a show and the performers all say "thank you", and you think it must be protocol or something, or that it's pretentious bullshit?

It isn't.  It's genuine.  How can you NOT be genuine about receiving energy like that from an audience?  You get it and you want to give it all back in some sort of amazing positive feedback loop.  It's a wonder the arenas don't explode from all the energy being exchanged in there.

Even from a group of maybe twenty, possibly thirty people all hanging around the piano, it was intense.  I can't even begin to know how it would be to play in front of a crowd at the Oakland Arena, or Wembley Stadium.  Dave Grohl and crew were justifiably overwhelmed when they played there.  You can just see his amazement and his gratitude and you could watch his mind explode from that experience, and he is like that EVERY SINGLE TIME.

My mind is blown so hard that I am certain it will never be the same.

I am grateful.
I am joyful.
I am blessed.
I am humbled beyond words before the universe.

And I have got to do this again.

By the way, why is my house still rolling...?

---

*Understatements.
**Apparently there is a friendly contest as to who finds the piano on the ship first.  I think I won this year.
***Chris Squire was Yes' bassist from their inception in 1968 until he died this year, and the torch was dropped in Billy Sherwood's lap.  Watch the ashes, Billy!
****I wore a small name tag that reads "LORD OF THE UNCHARTED UNIVERSE" on my lanyard or on my shirt most of the time I was walking around.  People may not remember my name, but they will not forget the tag.

Instant Ingratification

So I get to work this morning and I'm listening to the office dads talking about their experiences at amusement parks -- most notably, Universal Studios in Hollywood, and Disneyland -- and they're discussing the prices, which are astronomical enough.

But then they're discussing the additional fee for the fast passes/head of the line access.

I am sickened by all of this.

Yes, the parks are crowded, and I won't go to them any more because of this. There are too many people (paying far too much money, in my opinion).

It's the pursuit of instant gratification that irks me so.

I'm not totally above it, because I have my own impulsive nature, but at least I recognise it, and I am also aware of the surrounding limitations (budget, space, time).

The get-it-all-now mentality has been present for at least a generation, perhaps a little more, but I am just ill at how it has descended presence into pervasion.

And the really sad part of all of it is that I don't know that there is anything I can do about it, not even influentially. We as a society are hurtling more pell-mell than ever down this road with the attitude of "well, if I can't have it now, then screw it!", and all I can do is endure, and be patient, and not be so instantly demanding.

One could argue that at the truly good things will be there for us. I don't share the optimism, because the truly good things will be sullied by the runoff from the mire created by the seekers of this instant gratification.

The problem is that instant gratification is motivated by pure greed, or by fear of missing out -- which is, of course, a false panic created and manipulated by the greedy. Solutions looking for problems.

The best I can do is implore anyone who is caught in either the fear or the greed:

     • Please, slow down.
     • Life is not an emergency -- if it is, you're doing it wrong.
     • If you are used to getting everything instantly, you are setting yourself up for major disappointments when you get older.
     • If it's all about the money, you need to reset your priorities -- you won't be able to eat money after you've fucked the rest of the world.

---

Upon reflection just prior to posting, I realise that I am speaking from a very privileged point of view, and it may come across as arrogant, for which I apologise, for such was not my intent. I still think that the world needs to slow down, and it's despairing that this will not happen until a cataclysmic event causes the world to just stop, but between then and now, no matter your place or any other separation, take the time you can to enjoy what you can, when you can.

...and I'll stop now before I ramble off the rails any further than I have already.

Future.

Working toward the future.
The future is yesterday.

Adventures with Facebook

or, "just when you thought getting screwed would be enjoyable."

So I finally decided to unzip my Facebook Farewell Archive ... you know, the one you get when you say "save all my stuff and let me download it"?


Imagine my surprise when I opened it and got none of my notes.


Let me back up a little.


Back in 2008, I joined Facebook and decided to keep all my stuff out there, and to get (and, so I thought, stay) socially connected.  So there I was, from 2008 - mid-2015, to right after Chris Squire died, when I got the book-fuck notice from Facebook, saying,

You don't appear to be using your real name.
Please send us official documentation proving that this is how you are known by the members of your community.

("what the...?")

And so they don't seem inclined to let me back in.  So, before I left, I requested an archive of all my stuff -- Photos, wall postings, friend lists, etc.

Welp, I got all that.  I neglected to realise that since "notes" was a separate application, I wouldn't get those back.

So...back to blogging I go.

THINGS I WILL MISS:

• Seeing the updates to the Skyfaire page, to know who has left us
• Getting any updates to what is going on with S.W.A.S. people and remaining faculty
• The Yes Official Facebook Page
• The Pinball Pages
• Many friends
• My notes.

THINGS I WON'T MISS:

• Religion
• Politics
• Alarmism
• General uptightness
• People pissing on my wall because I disagree with them

Hopefully, everyone who needs to visit will visit here.  I'll try to post things of interest on at least a weekly basis.  If I can find the text of my notes, I'll post them here, backdated as appropriate.

To those who hope to see me back on Facebook, I can't promise when -- or if -- I will return.  It was a huge time suck to begin with, and it's nice not to have my stomach tied in knots over a disagreement.  I had enough of this in real life once upon a time, and I'm kind of done with that bullshit.

Rest assured that I miss and love you all, though.  You're all good to me in some fashion.

Happy New Year 9.1.1.

or, "will it be the same old same old?"
Happy 9.1.1. I hope.

Back on the "original" 9/11, 2001, the radical Islamic arm looked to take down the United States. They hated us for our freedoms, our permissive views on how the world should run, and, by and large, because we had hitherto been so successful.

They probably also hated us because we had engineered said permissions and freedoms OUT of their status quo, but that's probably a different story for another day.

So on 9/11, they sent a couple of planes to take out the World Trade Center.

They also succeeded in goading a knee-jerk reactionary government into taking unnecessary steps which eventually led us into a war in which we had no need, and no true purpose.

Part of what happened was we began in earnest to build a Police State. It began in our airports and, soon, extended to our train depots. In some places, it is present in our subways and, of course, it is present at our state borders.

We have played right into the hands of what these terrorists wanted. In fighting this "war on terror", a war against "an unseen enemy", we have stripped down the basic rights of our citizenry and reduced ourselves to the enemy we once feared.

If the basic goal of the terrorists was to eradicate this country because of its principles, they have already won, and we have handed them their victory.

Here at 1/1/2009, or 9.1.1, we are sitting in a country which is sitting in a financial quagmire in very large part because of the offensive we launched back in 2003 because of something that happened in 2001, even though the two causes were not connected.

Not Really.

And we are looking at a very bleak picture: Thus far, we are being socially reduced to rubble. We cannot shine as people when we must concentrate on making the ends of the shoestring meet, living hand-to- mouth. The economic problems we face are directly connected to our success socially. The renaissance we enjoyed for that brief moment in time gave us so much, and yet while our top brass is bailing out the banks and the carmakers, they are letting the very elements of the soul of this country wither and die. The arts. The social programs.

A friend of mine recently pointed out the difference between Conservative Equality and Liberal Equality:

"Liberal Equality states that the end result is equal, no matter the path one takes in life to get to the end. Conservative Equality is on the other end: We all start with a level playing field and it is up to us to make something of it."

I agree with this in principle, but there are the ever remaining issues that we do not all start with a level playing field, and even if we start there, those of us who play fairly get screwed over by those who play without ethics, by those who hide behind a shield of righteousness to promote discriminating agendae, by those whose definition of fairness means "fair for me and screw everybody else". In short, "after me, you come first."

We are, ever more, becoming that which we so feared back in the Cold War. We are turning into the old U.S.S.R. with all its trappings. Yes, we have the "right to vote" -- for either of two sides of a flawed single-party system. Yes, we have the right to freedom of expression, so long as we do not express anything against our government or rally dissent. Yes, we have the right to our capitalism, as long as we acknowledge that the government has the right to walk in and take everything we own by brute force if need be.

There is no longer a difference between what was, over there, and what is, over here.
...and this is not going to change until we, the people, nut up, and hold the gun to our government, cock the hammer and demand that they admit their responsibility, their irresponsibility.

And if they refuse, we, the people, can no longer sit idly by and not pull that trigger.

The Good and The Bad

The Good

Okay, we have Barack Obama, our first African-American...no. Our first BLACK president, or President of Colour. Let's call it as it is. Political Correctness must die if we are to achieve anything of substance in this world.

No, I'm not upset by this at all. In fact, I'm THRILLED that we don't get FOUR MORE YEARS of the McSame Old Same Old.

But we need to quit hyping this up as "A Great Day For The Heritage Of African-Americans". That is NOT what this election stands for.

It stands for the promise of change. Change for the better, or so I can hope. He has TWO YEARS, at most, to establish his mandate. If he does it right, he gets two more years. We'll need that left-swinging mandate in order to get back to centre.

The Bad

As happy as I am about this, I am also very very upset at the two measures in California that are passing that shouldn't:

Proposition 8 - Banning the Right of Same-Sex Couples to Marry

1. What is the problem with this? Where does the difficulty exist?? I'll grant that "traditional marriage" is between members of the opposite sex, given lack of documentation to the contrary. But you f*cking right-wing fear-of-god MORONS would deny them rights as individuals? Is it really wrong for two people to love each other? Does it matter what RACE they are? How about what their financial status is? Hell, why don't we prohibit Democrats and Republicans from marrying?

...So why does it matter what their sexual ORIENTATION is? Don't say "preference", because you're demeaning the natural order of things and DON'T gimme your "God says this" bullshit because I Have HAD it with you bigots and your playing on the fears of otherwise good people. Go jump into a pit of concrete and be gone with you.

2. I have the SERIOUS problem with this in that the majority of funding and effort to defeat this measure has come from OUT OF THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA. That means that other states are trying to tell California how it should be voting on matters of state. This needs to STOP.

3. We need to put something into place to reject the ability to change the state's constitution with a simple majority vote. It should be a two-thirds majority for something that important. That this was not in place for this initiative is a Very Bad Thing.

Proposition 9: Rights of Victims AND THEIR FAMILIES to show up at parole hearings and keep people in jail.

It's easy to see the perspective on this: Someone kills your family, you want to make sure they stay in jail.

But you idiots who only see the one side of this argument are missing something very important: There are a LOT of people incarcerated who have served their time and should not be denied their chance at parole who will end up serving a longer sentence than is reasonable for their crime.

So you who passed these two bits of legislations should be ashamed of yourselves. You are not only not interested in truly being a co-operative part of society, but you thrive on the conflict you create.

Shame on you, all of you.

Random bits of wisdom

For every day...

If an adult-of-diminutive-but-stocky-stature looks at you and tells you that they are not happy, do NOT ask them which one they are.

Life grades on a curve.

Turn signals: Not just to look pretty.

Ashtrays: Not for smokers' coins.

It's not that I'm old. Your music really does suck.

"Common sense" isn't.

What Would Scooby Do?

Cheap. Fast. Good. Pick two and call me in the morning.

Peace and Freedom can never coexist for very long. Both, in fact, are illusory as long as there is someone who insists on being the one in control.

"Time is an illusion; lunchtime doubly so." -- Douglas Adams

Anyone who says "it's as easy as X" has probably not attempted X.

Scene 1, Take 2 -- they're small!

Fade to Plaid.

I'm not as you think as I'm drunk.

Drunk is temporary. Ugly is forever.

I got a coffee. The cashier asked me for one fifty. That seemed a bit pricy for a cup of coffee, but she gave me back forty-eight and a half, so I guess it all worked out.

My other car was on Alderaan.

NEVER give the Game Master ideas.

We have strangled ourselves by litigating against innovation.

Why are people so bent on outlawing enjoyment of life?

Raise the bar of education instead of dumbing things down.

Organized Religion: Spirituality with mob mentality and military funding.

Technically speaking...

"On a clear disk you can seek forever."
"The steady state of disks is full." -- Ken Thompson

"Operator precedence is the property which makes

++*foo->bar;

do what you expect. It is also the same property which makes that do what you do not expect." -- me

Just because memory, disk space and CPU speed are cheap is no excuse for shoddy programming.

Contrary to popular belief, UNIX is user-friendly. It just happens to be selective about whom it keeps as friends.

Euphemisms for "user error"

"Eye Dee Ten Tee" (write it out) error.

PICNIC error (Problem In Chair, Not In Computer)

PEBKAC error (Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair)

Layer 8 error (see ISO Seven-Layer Network Model)

cki (Chair-Keyboard Interface) error

---

I'll add to this as I go.

If life is a story...

Just had an epiphany this morning while I was returning with coffee to my desk. The logic train went something like this (I entertain story ideas as I do occasionally attempt to write stories. Thus far: Story: 15, Author: 0.):

"Remember the characters you used to create in Dungeons and Dragons?
The ones from lands of fantasy, which were rumoured to have existed
at one time, and were wiped out by the humans?

They're back. And they have a whole new take on life."

This led to the Lord of the Rings, and how it was one point-a-to-point-b plot story, with a lot of ancillary subplots branching off and tying in (usually).

THAT led me to think, "Who, in their life, really has a plot? Our lives are pretty much not plot-driven, but character-driven."

The thought for the day is,

"If your life is plot-driven, you had best be a VERY good writer."

Jake, and other diminutives...

So there's something that's been bugging me for a while. A long while, in fact. It has to do with nominal diminutives, or common names.

Now I can see how something like "Tessa" would derive from "Theresa", and even how "Sally" might come from "Sarah", and I just found out that "Ike" falls from "Isaac", which is actually kind of cool, but there are several out there that completely elude me, logically speaking.

The ones in question, specifically, are "Jack" and "Jake".

We hear references to the late John Fitzgerald Kennedy, and his brother Robert, as "Jack and Bobby", often by people who would like to think they were friend or kin to those two (but never mind that).

Now, back up a second.

In the etymology of names, is not John a name unto itself? Seriously. Look at it, especially Biblically (and I'm not necessarily a Bible fan, but that's a rant for another week and a half that I won't start now). John is a saint. John is, if I am not mistaken, actually an Apostle. And I fail to see how "Jake" falls from "John". "ay" vs. "ah", you know? Etymologically speaking, it just doesn't match! What are these people thinking?

"Jake" sounds like it could come from "Jacob". Ditto "Jack". "Jacob" is not a name you're going to hear often unless you're traveling in Hasidic or Judaic circles a lot. It doesn't surface.

...unless you're one of the ones who was named, given the propensity for a stuffed shirt at birth, "James". Of course, how "James" came from "Jacob" in the first place was a twisty little maze all its own (Jacob (Heb.) -> Jacobus (L.) -> Jacomus (Late L.) -> mmmyeah, that kinda makes sense, if you're drunk or stupid and drop lots of letters from your words...).

But the point is that "John" is truly sore out of luck as a name, from my point of view. I could never name a kid "John". What do you do with that name? You can't really call him "Jake" or "Jack", not properly. "Johnny"? Well, I guess it worked for Johnny Cash. You could misspell it "Jhon" and take it from there (I know someone who did that with his last name. He's a very good photographer). The only "Jake" I knew was a "John" was John Kelly, who went by "JK", his initials, and everyone called him "Jake".

Not that I'd be wanting to name a boy "James", after all, in spite of the diminutives. You get Jim, Jimmy, Jamie (Scottish diminutive, and yes, it is a BOY'S name and I could shoot the person who decided it was a good name for a girl from all the crap I started getting for it about the time the Bionic Woman came out on TV, different spelling notwithstanding since it was all about the pronounciation), and fun little ones like Jim-O, Jammer, Jim-Bob (go a bit south for that one), but you could also call him "Jake" or "Jack" and be perfectly, rightfully correct in that.

(The reading of how James (English) -> Diego (Spanish) was also interesting, a twisty little passage all its own. Google it. You will discover that "Jaime" is an adoption to the name "James", not a representation of it. Origin of "Jaime" is Iberian, not Spanish, and its meaning is apparently completely unrelated.)

That's about it, since I can pretty much figure out the origins of such names as Babs, Hank, Rusty, Shorty, Sloppy, Sleazy, Shifty, Lefty, Lenny and Bruce...

"You FAILED your perception roll?"

(forget the grammatical errors. I know they're here. A preposition is a bad thing to end a sentence with. And a conjunction should never start a sentence. But it's effective, because, for better or worse, it's how people talk. And dammit, there is BREW in February!!! PRONOUNCE THE DAMNED 'R'!

anyway...) Wow.

I had the fortune of connecting with not one, not two, but three people from my deep dark distant past (also known as "High School") in just the last week. Not bad!

One is now a sportswriter for a paper in Florida; one is a computer person somewhere in Sacramento (I need to pay him a visit before I move).

And one is an old ember. Could have said "flame" except that I didn't. In retrospect, she's probably one of the sweetest people I've ever met. In further retrospect, I was a compleat idiot.

Which brings us to the topic of my post.

Yes, I failed my perception roll. 24 years ago.

I'm not exactly in disbelief, here. Come on -- those of you who know me well enough, you know that I have a propensity for doing things the hard way, whether by accident or design.

This post is going to ramble for a bit, because upon reconnecting with said ember (read: friendly potential flame except I wasn't paying attention), I have found her mother has died recently and unexpectedly and has left her pretty well devastated (I'm sure she'll send me a correction if I happen to have this wrong, but I don't think I do).

(And yes, I expect she'll show up and read this whole silly archive -- hopefully she'll find some of it humorous, some insightful, and like that).

So I offered her the lame insight of someone who has not yet lost a close family member (thumps head); namely: Are you happy with where YOU are, in spite of recent circumstances? That's all that matters. (Okay, it was more drawn out, but that's the upshot of it.)

My mind has boggled. She sent me an invite to her wedding a long time ago, and I never responded. Not because I was ever bitter (never was), but because I couldn't keep myself organised enough to do anything about it. I still have to send out Thank Yous for the wedding I had almost nine months ago, and I haven't even posted the pictures from the event!

But I digress.

Time passed, and I lost her address, and couldn't find her on the web, and couldn't seem to find her ANYwhere for long until I visited one of those School Reunion sites and found her. I sent a mail, fully expecting it to drop into the ether.

Imagine my surprise when I got a response.

Now this is 23 years after the last time I remember seeing her in person -- she's happily married for 20 years now (found her sweetheart in college), and I'm finally in a fairly good spot in my life (after much wailing and moaning and gnashing of teeth, my 20-year roller coaster ride is coming to a spot where I can jump off without too much ado), so spending too much time on what could have been is a waste of time.

Still, when the light dawns, it's hard not to look at what was there and mutter to oneself, "Self, you are such an idiot."

The light kind of dawned for me when I went trolling through my box of memories and found a letter which had been included with the gift of Issue #13 of ElfQuest (don't. I stopped following ElfQuest pretty much when the first run of Black-And-Whites came to an end. I'm still waiting for the movie, but I'm not holding my breath at this point. A discussion of the effect it had on my life is reserved for a later discussion).

Such is life.

I take comfort in the fact that, 20 years ago, I was a hothead, prone to argument, debate and bursts of temper. This doesn't happen so much anymore, but really? I haven't changed much. I wonder if I would have turned out any differently with different influences in my life, or if I'm just doomed to be a victim of my own foolish will. So my solace is telling myself "there's no way it would have worked out anyway."

But the fact remains that I wasn't paying attention. I used to lament that nobody ever knew I existed for the longest time.

I cannot shake the gut feeling that, even then, I was wrong.

Missed opportunity, or alternate path? How do you tell? I would not have had the opportunities that I have now. I'd be someplace different. Where? I don't know. Do I have regrets? I'll just say, stoically, that it's difficult to truly regret what might have just been a different path to the same endpoint. If I could change up the journey altogether, maybe, but I think I'm here because I'm supposed to be here. I'm supposed to learn a lesson.

I think the lesson is to pay attentOOOOHHHH! SOMETHING SHINY!

The Wall - Political Edition

[Note: Original credit for music goes to Roger Waters, David Gilmour and Bob Ezrin, of course. The lyrics are somewhat mine.]

The concept for this is that the current political climate lends itself rather well to the politics and reactions within The Wall as it was. The lyrics have been rearranged/rewritten to reflect the real world. The story is simple: We note the recent past and go from there. "In the Flesh?" and "The Thin Ice" might seem a touch out of order, but I think they carry pretty much the same flow as the original work on which this was based, i.e. _The Wall_, by Pink Floyd. As dark as it is, it's a true masterpiece -- either you'll love it or you will abhor it. Some people saw the original as a very whiny self-pitying act; I think it goes much broader and much MUCH deeper than that. _The Wall_ strikes me as catharsis as well as reflection, and if you've never dealt with a loss that messes up your head and tried to find your way out of it -- or you don't know of anyone who has dealt with this -- you may well not understand that point of view.

At the time of this writing, I am still marching on the stairway in hell -- whether it's up and out or just up, over and down, I don't know, but Churchill had the right idea: "If you find yourself going through hell, for heaven's sake, KEEP GOING!"

Without further ado, I present an adaptation meant to inflame emotions and rain fury as never before seen upon any branch or individual in government who intends to limit the freedoms of individuals in the name of their own private economy. This is The Wall - Political Edition.

...oh, and if anyone gets the bright idea that I mean physical harm, here, get a clue.

---

IN THE FLESH?

(Waters/Greywolf)

So ya   Thought ya
Might like to
Go to the polls

To feel that thrill of election
As they all poke their holes

Tell me, is something eluding you, sunshine?
Is this not how it's expected to be?
We're quite sure that you'll win the presidency
You just have to know the right people, you see...

RIGHTS!
DRAW UP THE PATRIOT ACT!
ACTION!
DROP IT ON 'EM....DROP IT ON 'EM!

THE THIN ICE

(Waters/Greywolf)

Mamma loves her baby
And daddy loves you, too
And we'll make sure you lead this nation
Though the states all look blue
But oooooooooooh, babe
Ooooooh, baby -- blue,
Ooooooooooooooooh, babe...

If you should take office
On the coattails of your old dad
Dragging behind you the riotous hatred
Of the people you've made mad
Don't be surprised when a crack in your ice
Sullies everything that you've done
You'll slip out of your depth
('cos you don't have a mind)
And no cares to what comes behind you
-- Let them claw the thin ice...

ANOTHER GLITCH IN THE POLL PART I

(Waters/Greywolf)

Dad's sent troops across the ocean
He's gone and tried to kill Saddam
His mission was a dismal failure
Daddy, what else did you leave to bomb?
Daddy, what'd you leave for me to bomb?

All in all it was just a glitch in the poll
All in all it's just another glitch in the poll

THE HAPPIEST DAYS OF OUR LIVES

(Waters/Greywolf)

When we were young and running comp'nies
There were activist idjits
Who would try to hurt us any way they could
By sneering their derision as they watched us get shut down
Exposed all our agendas and rode us on a rail out of town

But in time, as they would celebrate and drink to victory,
We planned in private hives to wreak the perfect mis'ry on their lives

ANOTHER GLITCH IN THE POLL PART II

(Waters/Greywolf)

We'll make cuts to education
We'll step up our thought control
We'll disenfranchise all the voters
Congress, leave them votes alone...
Hey! Congress! Leave them votes alone!

All in all, it's just another glitch in the poll
All in all, it's just another glitch in the poll

DADDY (MOTHER)

(Waters/Greywolf)

Daddy, should I go and drop some bombs?
Daddy, should I go and get Saddam?
Daddy, will the people figure out the holes?
Ooooh, pa...
Daddy, should I rig the polls?

Daddy, will I stay the President?
Daddy, should I rig the Government?
Daddy, should I really favour Big Oil?
Ooooh, pa...
Daddy, am I really spoiled?

Hush, my Georgie, Georgie, don't you cry...
Daddy's gonna help all your opponents get screwed
Daddy's gonna make all of their nightmares come true
And though I can't keep you here under my wing
Daddy still knows how to pull a few strings
Daddy can make sure that nothing goes wrong
Ooooh, George
Ooooh, George
Ooh, George
Of course, Daddy's gonna help rig the polls

Daddy, what if there's no WMDs ... to see?
Daddy, are the blue states dangerous ... to me?
Daddy, will they blow your little boy apart?
Ooooh, pa...
Is it true I have no heart?

Hush my Georgie, Georgie, don't you cry...
The Fed's gonna help skyrocket interest rates
Cheney's gonna help join up the church with the state
Donnie's gonna 'splain that first Iraq war away
Condi's gonna tell the people that it's all okay
Karl's gonna help strip out the whole Bill of Rights
Ooooh, George
Ooooh, George
Ooh, George
-> When You Travel...JUST TURN OUT THE LIGHTS! <-

...Daddy, does this have to last so
Long?

GOOD BYE BLUE SKY

(Waters/Greywolf)

"...and the happy little goat sai--"
(whisper whisper whisper whisper)
"...and the happy little goat said, 'Thank You, Mama'"

[If someone can get me a quote from the book the idiot was reading when the towers went down, send it to me.]

Ooooooooooh
Ooooooooooh
Ooooooooooh

...Did did did did you see the towers fall?
...Did did did did you hear the lifeline calls?
...Did did did did you ever wonder why we had to run for shelter
as the flag of the new Fourth Reich unfurled beneath the great blue sky?

Ooooooooooh
Ooooooooooh

...Flames are all gone, but the threat lingers on

Good bye, Blue Sky
Watch our rights die...
...goodbye, goodbye...

EMPTY SPACES

(Waters/Greywolf)

What shall we use to fill the empty spaces
That show the votes not for me?
How shall we rig the polling places?
How shall we corrupt the polls?

YOUNG LUST

(Gilmour/Greywolf)

I am just the new guy
The stranger to this land
Where's Mr. Bin Laden?
Has anybody seen him 'round?

Ooooh, I need a quick distraction...
Ooooh, to throw 'em off the trail

Well, I guess he isn't here
I'll go play off my people's fear
I'll show them all the truth is plain
-- IT WAS ALL DONE BY SADDAM HUSSEIN!

Oooooh, I need a quick distraction...
Oooooh, to throw 'em off the trail

    *dialing*
    *ringing*
    "Hello?"
    "hello, this is the American Civil Liberties Union calling for Mr. Bush -- will you accept the charges?"
    *ka-click!*
    ("Damn self righteous bastard hung up!" "Try him again.")
    *dialing*
    *ringing*
    "Hello?"
    "Hello, this is the ACLU...are we reaching--"
    *ka-click!*
    ("I can't get through -- he keeps hanging up!")

ONE OF MY TURNS

(Waters/Greywolf)

[ Oh, my GOD!
Look at this room!
Is all this your surveillance equipment?
That one's looking at my apartment!
I'm gonna get a brandy...you want one?
Oh my GOD, look at this DOUGH!
...wanna spend some caaaaaaaash?
Who you watchin'?
...HelLO?
You feelin' okay?]

Day after day
My hair turns gray
Like the matter my head don't contain
Night after night
They say it's all right
But I have grown older
And my moves just get bolder
And I think they're not all so blind anymore

And I...can...feel...one of my turns coming on
I...feel...
like they all make fun of me,
say I don't have a brain in me
-- should I just go and whip out my gun?

Come to my press speech!
In the press room on the right
You'll all be told what to ask!

Don't look so angry,
This is all just the way
I can control what we say!

Want to know about my War?
Or how I really beat Al Gore?
Contemplate your brand new silence,
Get My God delivered to your door?
So you want to see me lead?
Do we own you? Yes, indeed! WOOOOOHOOO!

Do you want to vote me in?
Do you think I'll win again?

...Why are you running away?

DON'T LEAVE ME NOW

(Waters/Greywolf)

Hey, guys,
Don't leave me now
Don't say it's the end of the road
Remember the tax cuts I made
I need you
To come put this country ahead of the Earth
Hey! Guys!
Don't leave me now
How could you turn
When you know how I need you
'cause Kerry and Dean are just arrogant stiffs
Uhhhhh, Guys?
How could you treat me this way
Running away...
I need you, guys!
Why are you running away?
Heeyyyyy, Guys?

ANOTHER GLITCH IN THE POLLS PART III

(Waters/Greywolf)

I don't need no House around me
I've got the Senate to uphold me
The Court's the only thing I don't control
...I wish O'Connor'd resign and leave a hole...
...yeah! Leave me a hole to fill and take control.

All in all it's just another glitch in the poll!
Here we come to take away all your control!

HELLO SECOND TERM

(Waters/Greywolf)

Hello, second term, I welcome you today
Hello, hello, hello.

The people who are not with me, THEY ARE IN MY WAY.
I'll have them taken out...hello.

---

HEY YOU

(Waters/Greywolf)

Hey you, standing in the cold
Trying to get into the polls --
Will you pick me?
Hey you, with your child against your ... breast?
Geezus, lady! GO GET DRESSED!
Oh...would you pick me?
Hey you, don't help them to carry the light
Help me erode that big Bill of Rights

Hey you, With your prescription running out
I'm gonna get you guys some clout
Please elect me?
Hey you, paying taxes to your town
I'm going to bring your taxes down
If you elect me...
Hey you, average couples who manage a ho-o-ome
Why do you leave your kids home alone?

This was his deepest fantasy
To screw all the people -- you and me
No matter how we try, we cannot break free
And the worms went to search for his brain...

Hey you, over where the desert boils,
With your vast supplies of oil,
Would you help me?
Hey you, in the upper-class elite,
I'm trying to stand back on my feet --
Would you help me?
Hey you
Don't tell me there's no hope at all
Democratic, they stand;
Dictated, they fall...

IS THERE ANYBODY OUT THERE

(Waters)

[Is there anybody OUT there?]

NOBODY HOME

(Waters/Greywolf)

I got a little black book with my code in,
Got a bag with a headset and a comb in,
If I'm a good boy, they might let me hear who you're phonin'

I got tax breaks keeping my moolah,
I got those falling poll blues,
I got five hundred paths of national treason to choose from

I got support from whites
And I'm killing civil rights
I've got amazing powers while ruling this nation

(And that is how we know
When we try to get through
In the voting polls to you
...there'll be no going home)

I got the obligatory white-bread sneer
And the inevitable contempt for the queers
All down the blue regions of each state

I got political blood-stains on my fingers
I got the power of command on a chain
I have a plane flying in with our soldiers' mortal remains

I've got shifty little eyes
And I've got a strong urge to fly
But I've got nowhere to fly to...

(Oooohhh!! GEORGE!! PLEASE PICK UP YOUR BRAIN!! We know you're completely insane.)

I got a pair of Hitler's boots
And I got...family roots...

ORWELL (VERA)

(Waters/Greywolf)

Does anyone remember "1984"?
Remember how we said that we would rule once more
Some blessed day...

Orwell, Orwell, we've made your book come true
Does anyone else in here feel the way I do...?

BRING THE BOYS BACK HOME

(Waters/Greywolf)

Bring the boys back home
Bring the boys back home
After we finish off this war, whoa, whoa, then we'll
Bring the boys back home

...is there anybody OUT there?

[From this point on is more or less very very wishful thinking.] EDIT: 2007.2.14: ...or have we finally come to our senses?

COMFORTABLY DUMB

(Gilmour/Waters/Greywolf)

(Hello...
is there anybody IN there?
Just nod if you can hear me...
Is there anyone at home?
Come on, now,
I hear you're feeling down
Well, I can ease the pain
Get you on your feet again
Just relax
We'll give you our opinion first
Just the basic facts:
This administration is the worst!)

I have no brain -- I am defeated
A sinking ship's smoke is a-risin'
The protesters are coming through in waves
Their lips move, but I cannot hear what they're saying

When I was a child, I had a company
I ran it deep into the ground
Now I've got that feeling once again
I can't explain -- you would not understand
Why this is who I am...

I have become comfortably dumb

(Okay
You're such a little dim prick
We'll have no more "AAAAAAAAAAAHH"
Of you we've gotten really sick
Can you still stand up?
I think we need to kick you -- good!
This'll keep you going for the show
Come on, it's time to go)

What is this pain, why am I bleeding?
What is that thick smoke on the horizon?
The angry mob is getting through in waves...
Their lips move, but I do not get what they're saying

When I was brought in, I had a fleeting glimpse
Of dollar signs up in the sky
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The polls have dropped, the dream is gone

I have become comfortably dumb...

THE SHOW MUST GO ON

(Waters/Greywolf) [extra verse adapted from the album IS THERE ANYBODY OUT THERE?, the recording of a concert from their 1980-81 WALL tour.]

Oooooh, ma, Ooooh, pa
Must the show go on?

Oooooooooh, ma,
Take me home!
Oooooooooh, pa,
Let me go!

I don't want to stand up
Shifty eyed talking in a hot mike
My teleprompter's down!

Oooooooooh, ma,
Take me home!
Oooooooooh, pa,
Let me go!

There must be some mistake
I didn't mean to let them take away my brain
Am I too dumb?
Is it too late?

Ooooooooh, ma...
Where's my money gone?
Ooooooooh, pa...
What have I done that's so wrong?
Ooooooooh, ahhhhhhhhh....

THE DOLT MUST BEGONE!

IN THE FLESH

(Waters/Greywolf)

So ya Thought ya
Might like to
Go to the polls
To feel the unending confusion
As your stomach rolls

I've got       Some bad
News for you, Sunshine:
Bush isn't well, he's sent us all to Hell
And he sent us along as a replacement regime
We're gonna find out how it sounds when you scream

Are there any idiots in your government tonight
Vote 'em up against the wall...
That one -- in the White House -- He don't look too bright to me!
Vote 'im up against the wall...

And that one looks Stupid! And that one's a GOON!
...who voted all of this riff-raff into the room?
There's one tapping my phone, and another watching my thoughts
If I had my way, they'd all be drawn, quartered and SHOT!

RUN LIKE HELL

(Waters/Gilmour/Greywolf)

Run! Run! Run! Run! Run! Run! Run! Run!
Run! Run! Run! Run! Run! Run! Run! Run!

You better paint your face up in your favourite disguise
        With your oil-filled lips and your dollar-sign eyes
With your hungry wallet and your clueless heart
        Feel your bile rise from your horrid past
And the bombs a-blasting and the windows smashing
        And the PEOPLE bashing down your door

YOU BETTER RUN!

Run! Run! Run! Run! Run! Run! Run! Run!
Run! Run! Run! Run! Run! Run! Run! Run!

You better run all day and run all night
        Keep any real feelings deep inside
And if you're visiting troops late tonight
        Keep your true lack of thought well out of sight
'Cause if we catch you unaware -- here OR IN IRAQ

WE'RE GONNA SEND YOU BACK TO DADDY IN A CARDBOARD BOX YOU'D BETTER RUN!

WAITING FOR THE TROOPS

(WAITING FOR THE WORMS) (Waters/Greywolf)

"...burn 'em! Burn 'em! BURN 'em! BURN 'Em! BURN 'EM! BURN 'EM!"
[EINS...ZWEI...DREI...ALLE!]

We will not save you now
No matter how you cry
Get out of power, you morons,
Choke and die.

Sitting in your deskchairs
There behind your wall
Waiting for the troops to win

In perfect isolation
There behind your wall
Waiting for the troops
To win

"We can hear you now
We can see you now
Stand back to back -- do not touch
We are watching and we will be

Waiting...to put on a black shirt
Waiting...to rally for justice
Waiting...to follow them home

Waiting...to bring home the soldiers
Waiting...to weed out the fascists
            to smash in their windows and kick in their doors
Waiting...for the final solution to your inferior brain
Waiting...to follow them home

Waiting...to stone all the fat cats and religious fanatics
Waiting...for the idiots, the morons, the zealots and the goons
Waiting...to follow them home"

Would you like to see peace and freedom reign again, my friend?
(Would you like to see peace reign again, my friend?)
All we have to do is VOTE OUT THE WORMS!

Would you like to send your white-bread leaders home again, my friend?
(Would you like to send them home again, my friend?)
All we need to do is VOTE OUT THE WORMS!

"...BURN 'EM! BURN 'EM! BURN 'EM! BURN 'EM! BURN 'EM! BURN 'EM! "

"We are tired of everything you, the leaders, have done.
It has become the right and the duty of the citizens of this country
To abolish its government and start anew.
We have the right to due representation.
You have taken this country and turned it into the very enemy we feared.
You have destroyed 1,500 years of history in the course of three years!
In the last five years, you have taken us backwards by fifty five!
You have helped to plunder the planet of its natural wonders and beauty!
You have sold this nation down the river!
YOU HAVE SOLD THE SOULS OF OUR FOUNDING FOREFATHERS FOR THIRTY SILVER PIECES!
YOU HAVE EARNED THIS COUNTRY -- ONCE A SHINING BEACON OF TRUTH, JUSTICE AND FREEDOM -- THE ENMITY OF MOST OF THE REST OF THE WORLD!
YOU HAVE MADE THE SAME MISTAKES AS EVERY EMPEROR BEFORE YOU AND YOU HAVE BUNGLED EVERYTHING IN A MORE SPECTACULAR FASHION THAN THE EMPEROR NERO!
YOUR LACK OF COMPASSION, FORETHOUGHT, AND TRUE UNDERSTANDING AND YOUR EFFORTS TO MANDATE DOCTRINES OF A SPECIFIC RELIGION MAKE YOU MORE OF A DEMON THAN ANY OTHER FREE WORLD LEADER--"

STOP

(Waters/(Greywolf))

STOP!

...I want to go home,
Take off this uniform and leave the show.
I'm waiting in this cell because I have to know: (have to know... (have to know...)
Have I been stupid all this time? (no...time, no...time, no...time...time)

THE TRIAL

(Ezrin/Waters/Greywolf)

Good morning, WORM, your honour
The crowd will plainly show the morons who now stand before you
Were caught red handed doing dealings
Doing dealings of a quite immoral nature
This will not do!

(Call the Speaker of the House!)
I always said he'd bring us to no good
In the end your honour
If we'd got to have our way, we could have
Kept his hand in check
But our hands were tied -- the corrupted House and Senate
let him GET AWAY WITH MURDER!
May we hammer him today?

Crazy -- toys in the attic!
I am crazy to take this position
They must have taken my wiretaps away!

(Crazy, void of compassion, he is crazy!)

(CALL THE SENATE WHIP!)
You little SHIT, you're in it now
I hope they throw away the key
You should have worked WITH us more often than you did
BUT NO!
You had to have your own way
Have you blown up any countries lately?
Just five minutes, worm, your honour
-- him and me, ALONE!

...Geo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-orge!
Come to daddy, Georgie, let me hold you in my arms
M'lord, I never meant for him to cause us so much trouble
(Why'd I ever have to have him?)
Worm, your honour, let me take him home...

Crazy -- over the rainbow!
I am crazy -- why's there bars on my windows?
There must have been a mole there in the polls!
Why can't I leave?

(Stuuuuupid, cursor's not blinking -- he is stuuuuuupid)

"THE EVIDENCE BEFORE THE COURT IS
INCONTROVERTIBLE! THERE'S
NO NEED FOR THE LYNCH MOB TO RETIRE...

IN ALL MY YEARS OF LIVING, I HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE ONE SO DESERVING TO BE TRIED AS A CRIMINAL OF WAR

THE WAY YOU'VE MADE US SUFFER, YOU STUPID LITTLE MOTHER,
FILLS ME WITH THE URGE TO DEFECATE!

AND SINCE, MY FRIEND, YOU HAVE REVEALED YOUR DEEPEST FEARS
I SENTENCE YOU TO BE STRUNG UP --

BY YOUR EARS!

and....

TEAR UP THE POLLS!!!

AFTER THE POLL

(Waters/Greywolf) All alone or in twos
The ones who couldn't stand you
Voted against you at the polls

Some hand in hand
Some gathered together in bands
The good decent people made a stand

And while we waited for you to fall
We'd stagger and fall -- after all it's not easy
Having your rights clobbered by some mad bugger's wall.

(...isn't this where

Democracy to Empire (While-U-Wait)

I look around at the ascent and misuse of power which has dominated the progress -- or regress -- of this country. It frightens me. We are daring to wander down the slippery slope and become the Imperial Yankee Dogs the other countries feared we already were. And it's a venture on the part of this country's elite -- whom I did not elect, by the way -- which is dooming those of us who had nothing to do with the advancing of them.

In my lifetime, I fear I will see this country become the equivalent of the Russian Empire, followed by its fall into socialism (those of you thinking of voting for Hillary Clinton better do your research. She's bad news for this country.), followed by its fall into abject ruin, followed by its imminent takeover, plundering and rending asunder by any other countries or factions that can get their hands on it. Mexico will take over California, Arizona, New Mexico and Texas ("Screw Louisiana -- they flooded!"), and Cuba will reappropriate Florida. Canada, if they're smart, will grab the states on their southern borders. Everything else will become "No man's land" (or the Middle East will move in. Won't THAT be fun?).

But of all of this, I'm fortunate at the moment: I'm a forty-something whose parents are still alive. Yes, both of them. No, they're not married anymore, but so what? They're still alive and we're still in contact.

I dread the day they leave. Do you know why?

Because you'll be sad and you'll miss them.

Sure. Who wouldn't feel that way? But no.

It's because I feel somehow safer, somehow more secure knowing that they are alive and well and still here and I can still talk to them. I can call them and talk to them about nigh anything truly important, and somehow knowing that they're just there is more helpful than almost anything else in my life.

And with the world in the state it's in right now, I'm still kind of afraid of the future.

I'm not dependent upon Mom and Dad the way I used to be. I'm not looking to them to solve my problems. But their insights, even from older times, are just nice. They're not a security blanket, per se, but they are something of a comfort.

Mom, Dad, you've been wonderful. I can honestly say I have no nightmares or fears or issues with the way either of you treated me as you raised me.

The rest of the world could take some lessons and not be so uptight.

I'll leave the rest of my comments regarding legislation of morality for another post.

Missing in Action

In this most unusual of posts, perhaps I am chasing my past, something I swore I would not do. Well, I don't do it often, at any rate.

There are some people I just have not seen in years and would love to be back in contact with them, even if just to say hey, how are ya, welp, see ya.

Anyone who knows of the whereabouts of these people, please point them here or leave me a way to get ahold of them. I'm not expecting much, considering my comment count is zero, thus far, but hey. The universe has done weirder stuff.

I am looking for:

• Kevin Moran, formerly of San Marin
• Chad Jensen, co-conspirator of R&R: 2112
• Cory Taylor, in-your-face clown in Sgt. Krupke (SFDHS alum)
• Jonathan Eldridge, chaotic neutral incarnate
• Cheryl Boyce, all around nice person (the other half-elf)

I expect this list to grow, by the way.

If it's not clear who I am, I was the pianist in "Krupke" in 1983, I ran a role-playing game called R&R: 2112 (actually, I still run it but my adventure-generating skills need a LOT of work), and my first girlfriend was nicknamed "Ducky", though you may have known her as Christi "Clare" Schaefer. We were together from April 1984 through July 1985 and then I became a morose emotional wreck.

All for now -- have a great day.

Observations on Age

It's very strange. Age, that is.

On first glance, and going as logic dictates, one might think that it is simply the process of aging, growing more mature, hopefully acquiring wisdom as we go, which allows us to make the statement as follows:

"Is it just me, or do seventeen-year-olds seem much younger today than they were when we were growing up and not quite seventeen years old?"

It's not just you. Trust me.

In sorting through my yearbooks looking for Robby (see below), I reflected back on these people, and even on looking at the pictures of classes graduated before mine, I determined that these seventeen-year-olds were MUCH more mature then than those of comparable age today, in terms of all of behaviour, appearance, and accomplishment.

Let me provide a concrete example. Back in 1982, the apparent literacy rate was astounding by comparison to today. The ratio of decent thinking people to mindless, careless thugs was MUCH lower, even in places like Oakland and the depths of San Francisco. Today, such thugs run rampant in places they were never present, including Marin County and Santa Cruz, to say NOTHING of Oakland and the formerly nicer parts of San Francisco.

The expundiation of why this is the new status quo is left for a future discussion when I get my brain back, but I stand by the above. It is NOT eracentric; that is, it is not germane to My Generation. The seventeen-year-olds of 20 years ago were more mature than those of ten years ago; those of 10 years ago surpassed the current crop of high school graduates, in general, by miles.

And it is saddening. It seems that, in a world with a life expectancy, biologically speaking, of seven decades or more without blinking an eye, our current set of up-and-coming teens are simultaneously convinced that they will live forever and that they will die tomorrow. It is truly a travesty which we must turn around, somehow (q.v. getting my brain back, above).

My friend died doing what he loved to do, and though he was mature, he held a childlike wonder of the world and he showed it off to us. But he was still more mature than any seventeen-year-old I know today.

My stepdaughter, by contrast, has to be the most mature girl of fourteen I have ever met, so there are exceptions to this rule. I just hope she decides to go out and have a little fun once in a while.

...but I digress. Perhaps there is a longer average life expectancy because these people are taking longer to emotionally mature -- I don't know -- but that's a double-whammy, because now we not only have to deal with people who haven't got the consideration thing figured out, but we have to deal with them LONGER.

Oh, and please feel free to comment. Does anybody read this stuff?

In Memoriam:Robinson Wadsworth1963-2006

I will never forget the September day in 1981 when I met Robin (he went by "Robby" back then). He went out of his way to make me feel welcome in the unfamiliar environment which was the S.W.A.S. program at Sir Francis Drake High School. Right away, he was open and friendly.

Through the years, we'd run into each other off and on, and he was always happy to see me.

He was one of those people who made everyone feel as though they were the most important person in the vicinity when he greeted them, regardless of the current company at hand, and whether or not it was a one-on-one or in the company of other friends. He never made one feel left out.

I will always remember his vivacity and passion for life in whatever he did, however much our paths may have diverged over time. Obviously, he did a lot with his life in the short time he was here. The multitude of his friends shows that.

The last time I saw Robin was probably the last year of Northern Faire at Black Point, as we knew it and loved it.

It's usually difficult to regret not staying in touch with someone with whom we do not share common interests. Robin is the exception to the rule. I truly regret that our paths did not cross more often.

Robin, may your spiritual guide see you safely to your next destination, and thank you for touching my life and making it a little brighter.

Meanwhile, in Amerika (five years later)...

I'm positive this isn't to be the only reflective blog on what happened five years ago today.

If you go and look back in my archives, you'll find my thoughts about what happened.

Meanwhile, in Amerika, what has happened since then?

Our civil rights are being trampled, our natural resources are in danger of being raped, the innocence and brilliance which comprise our children -- our future -- have been left to fall through the cracks, and the wisdom and experience of our elders -- our past -- have been left to rot.

Not, all in all, a very good track record, by any reckoning.

So what now? What do we do? How do we manage this?

"Sorry, I got nothin'." I have NO ideas. It is all I can do to slog through the day-to-day bull manure that comprises the bottom layer of my current existence. I find myself quite glad to be at work, because it helps take my mind off that layer.

It may seem very cold, very self-serving, just to think of where I'm going, but if I can't take care of even myself, I can't help anyone else. So I have to fix me first.

And this, too, may seem cold, but here it is:

Five years ago, we got off EASY.

We lost somewhere in the vicinity of 3,000 to 5,000 people that day.

Since then, we have lost probably very close to 3,000 military and paramilitary personnel, reporters and missionaries.

We have probably taken ten times that number in foreign casualties, mostly civilian.

We have committed at least 1,000 reported hate crimes toward people, citizens of this country who looked like our aggressors.

We probably have committed a great number of unreported hate crimes towards more of these citizens.

Are you feeling proud to be a 'Murkin, yet?

We chose our battles unwisely. We changed our focus from Afghanistan/Pakistan, where our instigator is STILL purportedly in hiding (I think he's dead, and our clueless leadership is thinking they're going to show us his body and say, "See? We got 'im!".).

And in doing what we did in Iraq, we won the initial battle.

But we lost the war.

We need to bow out and let whatever will happen happen. "What happens in the Middle East stays in the Middle East," as the saying goes. Or is that Las Vegas? Either way.

Taking out Saddam Hussein was a mistake. Sure, he was a dictator, and his regime was oppressive, but was it more oppressive than anything else going on over there? Come on, what are we going to do, take out every country that doesn't foster democracy?

Something occurred to me a while ago. We're not out to spread democracy, or our politics. We're out to spread our brand of capitalism, to spread our poisonous economy of artifice to the rest of the undeveloped world, even if that means undeveloping other parts of the world.

We were complicit with what happened five years ago. If you don't believe that, you haven't been paying attention.

So we deserved everything we've reaped since then.

Pay Attention. Your future depends on it.

Peripheral perceptions

Ever have a moment where you see something out of the corner of your eye and think it's one thing, and it turns out to be totally different?

Sometimes it happens where you think your black cat is the 8-ball on a pool table until it meows at you and throws your reality askance.

Sometimes you think it's a gas pump holding you up with its nozzle as the gun. Oh, wait -- that one's for real.

Well, to be serious again, it happened to me this morning.

I was stopped at a light at a busy intersection when this late 1970s/early 1980s model car -- the make of which I cannot remember, but I'm reasonably sure it was an Olds or a Pontiac of some sort -- pulls up alongside mine in the left turn lane. I casually glance over, and I note the hood and front sides of the car are covered in aluminium foil, and the body's suffered some pretty general wear and tear in the form of several large, albeit shallow, dents.

My first thought was "Gee, dude, nice POS you have there."

...that is, until I looked at the occupants.

This car was not being piloted by some young latino or black punk with an attitude. It was an old man and his wife. They must have been easily 80 years old each, she in her headscarf and he in his day coat. Two people who probably bought the car way back when it was new and they could afford a last hurrah.

The car's condition on the inside was mediocre at best. The inside paneling was weather-worn but seemed to be holding up; the faux woodgrain on the dashboard was still visible, but I could see signs of fraying on the seats from where I was.

As the car pulled away to turn left, I could further see that the rear bumper was tenuously attached at best.

And I felt so sad for them. I don't know why. I mean, there's no way to tell what they're thinking. They could be thinking of the pleasant things coming as the day unfolds, or they could be sitting there thinking about when the end would come. It could be anything; as someone who's contemplated The End at various times over his life, age doesn't really matter all that much in that regard.

I guess I still have impressions that the elders of our society should be able to spend their time much better off than current economics will allow.

The elders are not taken seriously enough, I think. But that's a rant for another day.

Meanwhile, count your own blessings. If you have things that work, be grateful. If they're pretty and holding on by more than a thread, go and do something nice for someone else.

[Notice: My blog will probably go to "random-what-the-hell" format for a while until I feel so inclined to put more into it. I've been remiss as it is for long enough given the last six months of complete and total chaos, which is also a rant for another day. Deal with it -- but according to my records, nobody reads me anyway...]

Berkelian Rhapsody (Yes, I'm that Greywolf)

Berkelian Rhapsody
(based on Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen)

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Is this in real time? Is this in memory?
Caught in a for(;;) loop, no escape from this subroutine...
open() your files, branch through the do{}while()s and see
I'm just the kernel, I need no libraries
Because you boot me up, load and go
Branch from high, store to low
Any way the thread flows
Doesn't really matter to me
To me.

unlink() just killed a file
Filled it's data up with NULLs, cleared the inode, closed the holes
vfork(), life had just begun
Then kill(0, SIGKILL) blew it all away
mmap(), ooooooh, didn't mean to make it die
if (the parent process doesn't fork again) {
carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters;
}

Too late, init has died
Flush my buffers out from core, then reboot() and try once more
panic ("freeing free block"); I've got to crash
Got to enter kdb and see the truth
Init, ooooooooh (Any way the thread flows)
I've lost my tty
I wish my page hadn't been swapped out at all...

I see the signal trap vectors into core
Interrupt! Overrun! It will do a fandango
Data's skrogged like lightning, very very frightening me
Dennis Ritchie? Kenneth Thompson? Kirk McKusick? Eric Allman?
Someone help me! Robert Pike?
Oh, Kernighan (-an -an -an -an -an)

I'm just a quick hack, nobody uses me
He just makes sockets in his address family
Spare him a buffer in high memory

bind(); accept(); msg_send(); will it let me go?
munmap(); NO! It will not let you go (LET IT GO!)
munmap() just will not let you go (LET IT GO!)
munmap() just will not let you go (LET IT GO!)
Will not let you go (LET IT GO!)
Will not let you go
Will not let you go oh, oh, oh, oh
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
kill(0, SIGKILL), exit(0); exit(0); let me go!
BSDi has a daemon set aside for me, for me, for meeeeeeeeeeeeee

So you think you can stomp on my stack space and text?
Skrog my image and data by calling exec()?
Ohh, page-d, can't do this to me page-d
Just gotta switch out, just context switch right out of here

Nothing really hashes, anyone can see
Every process thrashes, every disk drive crashes
On me

Any way the thread flows...

...by Greywolf, with posthumous apologies to Freddie Mercury.

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I wrote this back in 1991/1992 after having seen Wayne's World and while still being a UNIX fanatical student (not a lot's changed). I ended up posting it shortly after Freddie Mercury's death.

I must say I'm rather flattered to see that this bit of parody has been mirrored on so many sites -- I got 10+ pages worth of hits when I went to search for it!

Maybe I'll come up with something else someday...

[sound of breathing in as though surfacing from underwater]

Yes, I'm still here. Unfortunately, with a 1.5h commute, while I may think of profound things and the like on the way to work, I don't remember them by the time I have a moment to post. Isn't that the way it goes.

Maybe it's because, in all my ranting, I don't have much to say that hasn't already been said.

When I do, you, the followers of the Journeys of the Sound Chaser, will be the first to know!

My home site over at starwolf.com is down for the moment as I don't have a lot to go on about there, and I'm having a heckuva time setting up a good looking, yet minimally-overloaded web page. Sigh.

Kudos to the BlogSpot team for putting in Word Recognition as a requirement for posting to my pages. I'd hoped it was someone real posting to my pages, but nobody ever seems to.

My comments are currently moderated, but I'll try to pay more attention to this spot, so don't worry that what you say won't be seen (unless I reject it, which is no great loss, considering I'll delete it if I don't like it anyway, so this is just a precursory step to keep it from getting posted in the first place).

Thought: Great One. Have a great one. What's that mean?

1. A larger-than-average sized bottle of beer; 22 oz. "Have a Great One!"
2. A better than average intimate experience. "Have a Great One!"
3. Someone revered -- usually recently deceased or predated, if you are to "Have a Great One!" [Did you want fries with that?]

"This is Pete; go ahead, Honest..."

Home, Sweet Home? Not for long...

or,

Legalised Plundering for Fun and Profit

A man's home is his castle.

"Home, home again,
I like to be there when I can
When I come home, cold and tired
It's good to warm my bones beside the fire..."         -- Pink Floyd, "Breathe (Reprise)"

Home.

What do you think of when you think of home? A warm fire, candle-lit dinner for two? Friendly chaos of you and your love and your children?

...just a place to sleep, shower and keep your stuff while you work and play and party away from it? Hey, don't laugh. For some people, this is home.

Or how about a place to hold gatherings with your closest friends?

What if the city decided that your property would be more valuable for the city in terms of tax revenue were it to be sold and developed?

Thanks to the Supreme Court ruling made today, this is now possible. A developer of any influence can approach the city and attempt to convince them that your property would be worth more if they could develop new business on it.

If they are successful in convincing the city of this, the city can seize your house and land and sell it to the developer for purposes of redevelopment.

So much for home, sweet home. I don't think you can protect against this even if you homestead the property.

I don't know about you, but I think this is just plain wrong. Remember when "at-will employment" became widespread? Well, we now have "at-will residence." The worst thing is that with a residence, you have just pumped much of your life's earnings into it. The city has the right to undercut your property's value when they seize it. Equity means nothing.

Welcome to the third American era of the robber baron.

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